BUH-BYE

I said this site would eventually disappear without further warning. OK, I lied. This is your final warning.

Please bookmark BF&A's new location:

http://baldfatangry.wordpress.com

The Blogger site may not be here tomorrow.

Buh-bye.

REQUIEM FOR A KING

The Palmer Years: A Retrospective

So, Mayor King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer will ride off into the sunset at the expiration of His current term. Seriously? I still can’t believe it. Shit. I mean, Trenton was really turning a corner. We were, like this close. How can he hang it up now?!? I was totally psyched to send my future offspring to His public schools. Damn.

Some people (a.k.a. “haters,” “johnny-come-latelys” (sic)) will say the Trenton of the past two decades has been an abject failure. Well, that’s just a load of crap. I invite you to join me on a short stroll down Memory Lane, as I highlight a sampling list of Palmer’s successes:

King Douglas was the President of the Mayor’s Conference of the United States (MAY-CON-US). This allowed Him to spend nearly half of His current term on one political junket or other. Some folks didn’t like this, but the King Himself said, “My focus entirely is always Trenton.” That’s good enough for me.

Remember when Earvin “HIV+” Johnson, former basketball great who has built Himself a second career as captain of industry (not to mention, paid shill for enterprises that get fat on the backs of people who are too lazy to save money for furniture and too dumb to complete a Form 1040EZ), paid Trenton a visit and said that he would “definitely” invest in our fair City? Well, Mr. Johnson never returned to Trenton, likely because King Douglas smartly surmised that multiplex cinemas and chain restaurants really belong in the suburbs, where our dazzling young goodwill ambassadors can enjoy themselves among the white-bread-and-mayonnaise-eating townsfolk.

King Douglas was profiled in Esquire magazine, because he looks good in a suit.

King Douglas has made Trenton one of the least expensive places to live in the entire state, in part because he was smart enough never to meet a Regional Contribution Agreement he didn’t like. For all this talk about how out-of-control real estate prices have gotten, recession or not, Trenton has never caught that nasty bug!

Realizing that an informed, engaged middle class would expect meaningful results from His administration on a regular basis, King Douglas masterfully created a climate that succeeded in flushing virtually all middle and upper income earners (at least those who are neither beholden to His Court nor compelled as a condition of employment to live here) out of the city, leaving Himself a reliable voting bloc of unsophisticated mouth-breathers, who are no match for an expensive suit, a blinding smile, or a gift card from a big-box retailer.

King Douglas was able to help mold a City Council that did everything but bring Him breakfast in bed, with significant consequences for anyone who dared to go against Him.

King Douglas has managed to go nearly two decades without ever driving a car. If that is not success, please tell me what is.

In the 2008 Democratic Presidential primary election, King Douglas showed a nation how much juice he still had, when he effortlessly delivered His City to Senator Hillary Clinton, in her landslide victory against an upstart young Senator from Illinois.

King Douglas was hand-picked by God to do His work, as we learned when he told us all "Sorry, haters. God isn’t through with me yet.” Not many people can say that. This means we have been touched by divine greatness all these years.

Sometimes, despite all of your hard work and best efforts, the ball just doesn’t roll your way. Any time anything in Trenton failed to go “The Palmer Way,” it was due either to force majeure, or the work of “haters.” King Douglas has not made a single mistake during His five terms on the throne. That’s quite an accomplishment!

The Trenton business community has flourished under the rule of King Douglas, who has overseen a fivefold increase in barbershops, Latin American money transfer/package shipping agencies, Dunkin Donuts restaurants, nail salons, check cashing outlets, and bail bonds services.

King Douglas is fiercely loyal to anyone within His inner circle. When His hand-picked civilian Police Director/appletini drinking partner was sued by a band of concerned citizens for refusing to live in the very City he was paid (quite handsomely) to keep safe, King Douglas aligned Himself with His friend, rather than the ignorant gadflies who simply wanted the same rules to apply to everyone.

King Douglas kept His City very safe for a good long time. How safe? It’s worthy of note that Trenton did not have a gang problem until 2004 or so. We know this because as early as 1999, by which point virtually all American cities – and even some suburbs – were experiencing varying degrees of gang infestation, King Douglas assured us that we did not have a gang problem.

King Douglas managed to “marry well” (the second time, anyway), to a person whose chosen profession presented no potential conflicts of interest whatsoever. This enabled Him to land Himself a nice pied-a-terre in rural Hunterdon County, which he occasionally visits when he needs to clear his head for a day or so.

As you might imagine, this list is far from all-inclusive, but I do invite you to share your favorite Trenton success stories with me. Just put ‘em in the ol’ comment box down there.

Lastly, please check back often for my thoughts on the 43 or so opportunistic knuckle-draggers who have made known their desire to succeed Douglas H. Palmer, Trenton’s King of Kings.

FOR YOUR FASCINATION

Gratuitous Spite from Clean and ‘Racer

This Just In! "The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009" highlights some of the year's most prominent names in entertainment, sports, politics, and pop culture.” Yaaaaaaay!!!

If anything fascinates me, it’s the annual list of people whom Barbara Walters finds fascinating. It fascinates me almost as much as Walters is fascinated by the letter “r.”
[Hateracer: I’d just like to say Barbara looks good for 100. Surgery or no surgery, embalming fluid or Oil of Decay, she doesn’t look a day over… dead.]

Surprisingly enough, I have but a few things to say about this year’s elite purveyors of fascination:

Lady Gaga: Seriously, I had no idea who this person was until I looked her up on the ol’ Wikipedia, three minutes ago. Apparently she’s a singer. Based on the picture in yesterday’s McPaper, I thought he was a drag queen. Fascinating!

Adam Lambert: I think he won that singing contest that has the obnoxious British guy, the black dude who calls everybody “Dawg,” and the crazy chick. Also, he fucks men. I don’t know which part of that is more fascinating. That is one edgy dude. Fascinating! [Hateracer: What could possibly be more fascinating than manufactured pop stars? The success of American Midol bothers me almost as much as the number of morons who tweet on Twitter.]

Tyler Perry: [Hateracer: Isn’t that what Aerosmith used to be called?] I think this is that guy who has made the same movie/TV show about 15 different times, yet he is somehow God’s gift to the performing arts. If you don’t agree, you are a racist. Fascinating!

Kate Gosselin: Decided to fuck around with Mother Nature, and was rewarded with six additional children. Upon realizing that it was crazy expensive to house, clothe and feed eight kids, decided to whore them out to a reality TV crew. [Hateracer: Pimpin’ ain’t easy!] Such a sweet, kind, even-keel sort of lady; for the life of me, I can’t imagine what could have compelled her husband to go out and get himself some strange every now and then. [Hateracer: Speaking of Jon’s messtress, when did “party skank” become an actual occupation?] She has no discernible talent whatsoever; at least the aforementioned folks have created SOMETHING. But, if Barbara says so…Fascinating! [Hateracer: What could possibly go wrong raising a shitload of kids in front of a TV crew? How was they to know?!?]

Sarah Palin: A cruel joke perpetrated on America by the Republican Party. Somehow thought a nation would be stupid enough to vote her into the second highest office in the land, playing understudy to a crazy old coot who can’t stand still for five seconds without signs of rigor mortis setting in. This would not end well. Even worse: Palin then went on to write a book about how everyone picks on her. Fascinating! [Hateracer: I’d do her, but I wouldn’t want her in charge of anything more than a PTO bake sale. She may have set female politicians back about 20 years.]

The Jackson Children: Apparently, they count as one person. Let’s see…they have strange names, and their famous father died earlier this year. Yup, that’s about it. The daughter was at just about the age where she and her father, rest his soul, would have been physically attracted to the same boys! [Hateracer: I think his corpse is more fascinating. I just feel bad for his kids. They will need the services of an entire team of therapists.]

Brett Favre: Barbara thought the should-have-been spokesperson for Waffle House was fascinating. Then she didn’t. Some time later, she decided he was fascinating again, but later changed her mind. Finally, Walters has declared Favre more fascinating than a “Dharma & Greg” marathon, viewed through a haze of thirty Vicodin tablets and a jar of Mississippi moonshine. But just this one last time. Seriously. [Hateracer: Manipulating the media for personal gain would be more fascinating if it wasn’t done so damn often. Oh, that Dharma! She was a hoot (with nice hooters). I might have opted for a “Perfect Strangers” marathon with that guy who talked funny and his incredibly dull acting crutch of a partner.]

Jenny Sanford: Her husband is a powerful man, who went to some effort to maintain and conceal an extramarital affair. This makes her fascinating! I can understand the fascination; this must be, like, the first time such a thing has ever happened! [Hateracer: Isn’t this shit covered on Lifetime every hour on the hour?!?]

Glenn Beck: The newest member of the Unholy Trinity of FOX News wind bags, he’s simply abominable, yet downright awesome when placed next to the Fat Yelling Guy and the Filthy Old Pervert. He hates liberals, government anything and Obama. He loves your freedoms, the Invisible Hand and magic underwear. That’s what I call fascinating. [Hateracer: Didn’t he used to play defense for the Rangers? Also, these should have been on the list, instead: Patrick Swayze’s Pancreas, Tiger’s Wood, Heath Ledger’s Pharmacist and Michael Jackson’s Doctor]

TRAVELWHORE - CHAPTER 37

Thoughts on Dying in a Plane Crash

Now I know what paint feels like, in that period between when you decide that your kitchen will be colored “Pancake Batter,” and when the Lowe’s guy puts the little dab of finished product on the label for your approval. It never looks that way on your wall, but I digress.

I’ve been in the custody of USAirways for the past ninety minutes, the latter half of which has featured the 737 doing its best impression of Michael J. Fox, while off his anti-Parkinsonian meds. Mother Nature be damned, My Favorite Airline will most likely make good on its promise to deliver me to Raleigh-Durham from Philadelphia, on or close to schedule. Or perhaps my upper torso will wind up in a backyard in some ghastly Cary subdivision, while my right leg smashes through the windshield of an SUV traveling freeway speed down I-440 (collateral damage, I’d call that).

Remember: for every Chesley Sullenberger, there are probably a hundred or so Cory Lidles.

I don’t feel like I’m going to die in a plane crash all that often; that would make the logistics by which I earn a living even more unbearable than they already are, and we just can’t have that. So, I’m not one of those fearful flyer Nancies you may happen to know. Shit, I don’t even pre-medicate at the airport anymore. What’s that, you say? You don’t pay $10 for a beer, served by some surly twenty-something chick, who is pretty hot, but not quite hot enough to work at a strip joint on Delaware Avenue, thereby giving her license to act like she’s doing you a fucking solid every time she pulls you a Yuengling? No. I don’t.

Well, tonight isn’t “all that often.”

With each passing (sudden and severe) change in altitude, every flirtation of the aircraft with yaw spin, my fear is incrementally supplanted by anger. Deep, dark, rip-a-puppy-in-half anger. I mean, we all must die of something; 'tis true, but is it truly my fate to go down for The Dirt Nap somewhere in North Carolina, burned alive in a smelly Greyhound-with-wings, any hope for egress dashed by the gastropod coeds blocking the exit door to my left? Seriously, the thought of dying in the hands of USAirways – really and truly dying; not the figurative, metaphorical a-small-part-of-me-dies-every-time-I-fly-them death – it’s a notion that makes me want to hurl a brick at a blind person. At least I’d get on TV; probably a photo, but nonetheless, I’d rather croak while doing my taxes.

I will post this even if my life doesn’t end on this flight, because I haven’t contributed anything to this literary dung heap since I got my ass handed to me in the South Ward City Council election.

A HANDICAPPED RACE

Equal Time, ‘cause I’m a Swell Guy!

Thanks to all of you, for being so enthralled by my recent platform pieces. You’re probably sufficiently riveted that you forgot I’m not running unopposed. So, in the interest of fairness, I feel it necessary to brief you on what each of my so-called “opponents” brings to the table.

Carlos Avila: He seems like a nice guy. He also seems to believe that the government hasn’t done nearly enough in the nanny/social worker department. He is wrong. I have a feeling that this guy would spend our money like it’s going out of style, in return for little more than the same old failure. Yes, I’ve grown accustomed to this, but I’ve had enough. But what do I know? If this sounds good to you, Avila’s your man.

Evelyn DeLeon: She is, by all accounts, a very nice lady and an engaged community activist…and that’s where this train stops. I have no idea of what else she stands for, because I can’t understand a single word she says or writes. I’d probably rather be represented in Council by a dolphin, if only for the superior communication skills. But hey, if you think our current Council is too intelligent, and could use a nice stroke of sub-literacy, by all means, pull the lever for Ms. DeLeon.

Paul Harris, Jr.: According to several of my moles, Harris has made clear his intention to use City Council as nothing more than a stepping stone toward ever higher elected office…which is to say he will be USING US to further his delusional and egomaniacal political ambitions. Wonderful - another wannabe career politician...exactly what we need. Also, please recall the whole trentonian.com “scandal,” in which he was straight-up BUSTED for attaching false names to comment posts, which were engineered to denigrate his opponents. I don’t know if I’m appalled more by the underhandedness of the whole thing, or the fact that Mr. Harris was too stupid to realize that this tactic would blow up in his face. If stupidity and duplicity are traits you admire in elected officials, vote Harris on Tuesday.

Juan Martinez: He was a community activist and vocal critic of the Palmer administration, until King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer shut him up with a phony-baloney Trenton Publik Skoolz “job;” one created just for him. This alone qualifies Mr. Martinez as a superlatively appalling sell-out, even by the outrageous standards of Trenton politics. Need I go on?

GEORGE MUSCHAL!!! I HAVE READ HIS FIVE TYPED POSITION PAPERS, ALL OF WHICH SHOW THAT HE BELIEVES THE KEY TO THE ELECTION IS PANDERING TO A POPULATION SEGMENT THAT ALL BUT LEFT TRENTON A LONG TIME AGO!!! BY WHICH I MEAN ANGRY, OLD WHITE PEOPLE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S SILLIER – HIS CAMPAIGN STRATEGY, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF RACISM, OR HIS HAIR PIECE, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF HILARIOUS!!!

Patricia Stewart: She has been around a long time, and probably knows better than all opponents combined how this City functions, and (more importantly) how it really should function. She claims to be beholden to nobody, and has no further political aspirations. If elected, she will probably be our Council-thing 24 hours a day, for better or for worse. Compare that with our current assemblage of Council losers, all of whom lamely and poorly attempt to work their Council duties around their taxpayer-funded day “jobs.” Unfortunately, Ms. Stewart can come off as a crotchety old lady, which will be to her discredit with this grossly unsophisticated electorate, which treasures style over, well, everything.

There you have it. Now that I’ve given you all six more reasons to vote for me, you all better write my ass in next Tuesday.

MR. CLEAN FOR COUNCIL: BETTER THAN A PUNCH IN THE THROAT!!!

“CLEAN”ING UP TRENTON - #5

The Tow Truck Revolution

Back when I used to care about washing my low-end German import on a more frequent basis than “every April or so,” I would take it to that huge-ass car wash on Lalor Street, ignoring that fact that I was one of Trenton’s hot-shit “haves,” in (rightful) possession of a water hose, soap, sponge and bucket (and a driveway!). What can I say – the place was “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” That’s what the sign said; I don’t just make this shit up. In addition, I loved to watch the team of four short, towel-wielding men at the end of the line, who would fuss over my car with lightning speed and robotic efficiency. The car would invariably reek of dollar-store cologne when I got back into it, but that was nothing a few miles with the windows open wouldn’t fix. Good times.

This particular facility required that you exit the vehicle while it was being washed. Which made sense, as would be tough for them to be “VACUUM CRAZY!!!” with my fat ass taking up the driver’s seat; they’d probably have been reduced to merely “VACUUM QUIRKY!!!” Which is unacceptable. If I had the urge to actually be inside the car as it was being washed - which is pretty fun, I gotta admit - I would just hit the car wash on South Broad in Hamilton. But they towel off your car all half-assed-like. So I stopped going there; screw them.

Walking down the long hallway of the car wash, I would see pictures of this property in its former glory as a trolley depot, back when the city Trenton had tens of thousands more residents, and far, far, FAR fewer automobiles. Apparently, it was a special privilege to own a car back then. Oh, to be born in 1892 or so. Anyway, it got me to thinking…

Given our current motor vehicle regulation enforcement environment, could I possibly be alone when I assert that fully 50% of my urban angst stems from Trenton’s Assholes and Their Fucking Cars? Of course I can’t.

This has to stop, people. So, without further ado, I present my fifth and final platform piece: The Tow Truck Revolution.

PARKING ENFORCEMENT:
Remember when you could actually get a parking ticket in the South Ward (or for that matter, any part of the city not inhabited mostly by white people or visited by out-of-towners)? Yeah, I think that was back in the 1990s. Well, those days shall return. Don’t give me this shit about Trenton not being able to afford more parking enforcement officers. Based only on what I see in my own neighborhood, a parking officer doing things even in a completely half-assed manner (a.k.a. Trenton Standard Operating Procedure) would be writing enough tickets to cover his/her wages and benefits by a factor of three.

That’s right, my friends. You will soon be able to drive through any intersection in the South Ward without struggling to see around that fucking Escalade that’s sticking halfway into your street and blocking a fire hydrant. But but but… Councilman Clean! There’s nowhere to park at night! There’s too many cars anymore! Tough shit. Park illegally in my City, and you will be riding a bike or taking a bus tomorrow morning.

TRAFFIC ENFORCEMENT:
Trenton Driver's Manual, 2009:

· Traffic control devices are for suggestive purposes only: a light isn’t really red until five seconds after it has turned red. Twenty-five (as in speed limit) means forty, perhaps forty-five. Those markings in the street, telling you which way you may turn from a given lane? Those do not apply to you, nor does any sign reading “NO TURN ON RED,” “STOP,” or “YIELD.”

· A child restraint seat is good if you can get it (i.e., if some governmental agency provides it to you free of charge, installs it in your car and trains you in its proper use), but wrapping your arms around your baby while in the front seat is OK, too.

· You are expected to make a u-turn in the middle of any intersection in order to more expeditiously complete your journey. Driving around the block is for losers.

· It is acceptable to stop your car in the travel portion of any street, for as long as you want, and for whatever reason, as long as your blinkers are on. Or if they’re not. Whatever, it’s all about you.

· Generally speaking, it is best to stop in an intersection where you do NOT have the stop sign, and vice versa.

· If you are in a hurry, it’s OK to blow past a stopped school bus or (especially) ice cream truck.

· Those people who hold those red things that read “STOP,” so that children can cross the street before/after school? Ignore them; you have a greasy sack of M.C. Donaldz a-coolin’ in your passenger seat.

· Have you heard of the ridiculous law that prohibits you from operating a hand-held communication device while driving? That does not apply to Trenton. You didn’t know that, did ya?

· If you drive an old Honda or Dodge Neon or whatever, you must take it to a shop and have it re-tooled to make it louder than a Boeing 747 in its takeoff roll, even though this does not make your car the slightest bit faster.

Enough of this shit already! My City Council will fast-track some fascist pieces of legislation, which will combine zero tolerance with sadistic punishment. In a nutshell, if you’re caught breaking any traffic laws, your vehicle will be confiscated on the spot, and you will have to walk or take the bus to your final destination.

In order to help facilitate this, we will provision a fleet of tow trucks, manned by the all-volunteer, tactical paramilitary goon squad (mentioned in a previous platform piece), which will be available day and night, to transport all confiscated vehicles to the impound lot.

Impound fees will be $200, daily. Any cars left on the impound lot for more than three days will be sold, with all proceeds going directly into the City treasury.

Considering that the late-model Buick or pimped-out Honda is the most valuable thing that your average Trentonian will ever own, I’m confident that my proposed legislation and enforcement, which completely lack tolerance and possess razor-sharp teeth, will eventually get the message across, and our City will take a baby step toward joining the rest of civilized society.

There you have it. It is obvious to me that I have given the South Ward the only logical alternative to “The Sell-Out,” “The Crazy Bird Lady,” “THE YELLING GUY,” “The Latino Social Worker” and the other ones, so what are you waiting for?

All you need to do now is write me in on November 3***, and allow me to Clean Out City Hall.

***Sorry, I can’t provide rides to the polls or Target Gift Cards.

A CELEBRATION OF FAILURE

I'd Cry, If Only I Could Stop Laughing

Imagine these headlines:

“Exxon tanker to be named after Hazelwood”
“Humane Society scholarship to be named after Vick”
“Detroit city hall to be named after Kilpatrick”
“St. Louis ballpark to be named after Holliday”
“Lower Ninth Ward street to be named after Bush”
“Hamilton day care to be named after Timmendequas”

Ridiculous, right? OK, the last one’s a wee bit disgusting, as well. Tough shit.

Well, any of the preceding make about as much sense as what I saw in today’s Trentonian:

"Cadwalader branch library to be named after Hayling"

In a nutshell: Adrienne Hayling sat on the Trenton Public Library Board of (mis)Trustees for the past 37 years. Thirty-seven years is a long time in Trenton library terms; people actually borrowed BOOKS from the library back then, as opposed to sundry works of audio-visual entertainment, but that’s not important now.

As a result of decades of gross mismanagement on the part of Board, of which Hayling was President for who-knows-how-long*, the library found itself in such dire financial straits that significant evasive action was required in order to prevent branch closures and/or drastically curtailed opening hours. Honestly, we still don’t know the extent of the mess our library system is in, as it has operated without any accountability or third party oversight for so long (a hallmark of anything in the inner circle of the Palmer administration); maybe we’ll find out when it’s time for the next City budget to be slapped together.

According to Larry Parker, Dizzoner’s go-to shill/trial balloon floater, Hayling abruptly stepped aside a few months ago, stating that she wanted time to “smell the roses.” Unidentified sources tell us she really said that she needed to “slowly step away from a plane crash that I caused, in hopes that nobody ties me to it.”

But, to hell with all of that. In fucking typical Trenton fashion, instead of naming Hayling in a lawsuit, a library branch will be named after her. And there will be a party! That’s November 6, at Settimo Cielo on Front Street, according to Larry Parker. You should check that place out sometime; the grappa is to die for (or perhaps “from.” I should know).

A party. Ugh. Imagine the Washington Nationals having a post-season “victory” party. Pretty much the same thing.

Only in Trenton, kids.

*Maybe since King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer took office? Just a guess.