A HANDICAPPED RACE

Equal Time, ‘cause I’m a Swell Guy!

Thanks to all of you, for being so enthralled by my recent platform pieces. You’re probably sufficiently riveted that you forgot I’m not running unopposed. So, in the interest of fairness, I feel it necessary to brief you on what each of my so-called “opponents” brings to the table.

Carlos Avila: He seems like a nice guy. He also seems to believe that the government hasn’t done nearly enough in the nanny/social worker department. He is wrong. I have a feeling that this guy would spend our money like it’s going out of style, in return for little more than the same old failure. Yes, I’ve grown accustomed to this, but I’ve had enough. But what do I know? If this sounds good to you, Avila’s your man.

Evelyn DeLeon: She is, by all accounts, a very nice lady and an engaged community activist…and that’s where this train stops. I have no idea of what else she stands for, because I can’t understand a single word she says or writes. I’d probably rather be represented in Council by a dolphin, if only for the superior communication skills. But hey, if you think our current Council is too intelligent, and could use a nice stroke of sub-literacy, by all means, pull the lever for Ms. DeLeon.

Paul Harris, Jr.: According to several of my moles, Harris has made clear his intention to use City Council as nothing more than a stepping stone toward ever higher elected office…which is to say he will be USING US to further his delusional and egomaniacal political ambitions. Wonderful - another wannabe career politician...exactly what we need. Also, please recall the whole trentonian.com “scandal,” in which he was straight-up BUSTED for attaching false names to comment posts, which were engineered to denigrate his opponents. I don’t know if I’m appalled more by the underhandedness of the whole thing, or the fact that Mr. Harris was too stupid to realize that this tactic would blow up in his face. If stupidity and duplicity are traits you admire in elected officials, vote Harris on Tuesday.

Juan Martinez: He was a community activist and vocal critic of the Palmer administration, until King Douglas Hunterdon Palmer shut him up with a phony-baloney Trenton Publik Skoolz “job;” one created just for him. This alone qualifies Mr. Martinez as a superlatively appalling sell-out, even by the outrageous standards of Trenton politics. Need I go on?

GEORGE MUSCHAL!!! I HAVE READ HIS FIVE TYPED POSITION PAPERS, ALL OF WHICH SHOW THAT HE BELIEVES THE KEY TO THE ELECTION IS PANDERING TO A POPULATION SEGMENT THAT ALL BUT LEFT TRENTON A LONG TIME AGO!!! BY WHICH I MEAN ANGRY, OLD WHITE PEOPLE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S SILLIER – HIS CAMPAIGN STRATEGY, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF RACISM, OR HIS HAIR PIECE, WHICH TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF HILARIOUS!!!

Patricia Stewart: She has been around a long time, and probably knows better than all opponents combined how this City functions, and (more importantly) how it really should function. She claims to be beholden to nobody, and has no further political aspirations. If elected, she will probably be our Council-thing 24 hours a day, for better or for worse. Compare that with our current assemblage of Council losers, all of whom lamely and poorly attempt to work their Council duties around their taxpayer-funded day “jobs.” Unfortunately, Ms. Stewart can come off as a crotchety old lady, which will be to her discredit with this grossly unsophisticated electorate, which treasures style over, well, everything.

There you have it. Now that I’ve given you all six more reasons to vote for me, you all better write my ass in next Tuesday.

MR. CLEAN FOR COUNCIL: BETTER THAN A PUNCH IN THE THROAT!!!